This is my trial run at satire. I think I may have overdone it and I'm not sure if I'll do any more, but here it is:
In a press release earlier today, a spokesperson for the Sisters of Neaux Mercy Hospital in Shreveport, Louisiana told reporters that a 31 year-old male patient was undergoing surgery to repair “catastrophic damage to the eye, numerous small fractures to the eye socket, and capillary bruising in the surrounding areas” after he reportedly tried to gouge out his own right eye. A group of men from nearby Rock of Ages Church (RoACh) prayed quietly in the waiting room outside of the operating suite. One of the men from RoACh, a fundamentalist congregation, identified the patient as Joshua Beauchamp and said that “Brother Joshua’s right eye caused him to sin, so he was following the Biblical commandment to ‘pluck it out and cast it from you.’ Unfortunately, Brother Joshua couldn’t finish the job before the police showed up and took him down.”
The man explained that Mr. Beauchamp had seen a lady wearing leggings as pants at the post office earlier that day which caused him to lust. Not wanting his whole body to be cast into hell for his sin of adultery in his heart, Beauchamp sprang into action right away. He pulled his pocket-sized New Testament out, flipped its worn pages to Matthew 5:29, and reviewed God’s instructions: “If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you.” Although very disappointed in himself for not checking out Leggings Lady with his left eye, Beauchamp knew what he had to do. In the parking lot, he used a leftover ice cube from a cup in his car to numb the affected area and began using a spoon he found in the glove compartment to try to remove his eye. Frustrated at his lack of progress, Beauchamp popped open the trunk of his 1996 Buick Century and began looking through his tool box. He was actively removing his eyeball using a flat-blade screwdriver, a hammer, and a pair of vise-grips when local law enforcement and paramedics arrived on the scene, restrained him for his own safety, and transported him to Neaux Mercy for medical treatment.
Update at press time: Neaux Mercy medical staff has completed Mr. Beauchamp’s surgical procedure. He has been discharged from this hospital and is expected to eventually regain full use of his right eye. He will have to wear an eye patch for the next 3 months, but says he is “counting it all joy” and plans to use this opportunity to portray a pirate in RoACh’s production of Jonah!. Knowing that this must all have been part of God’s sovereign plan for his life, Beauchamp was wheeled out of the hospital shouting “Hallelujah!” and “Glory to God!” In the meantime, Beauchamp’s left eye continues to allow him to commit adultery in his heart with random ladies throughout the community.